Clean Christian Jokes

Louie Selling BiblesA pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!", the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand.
"You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the
Church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman.. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?. Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister! agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied,
"W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ------o-o-o-or-------- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"

Critics Day In HeavenIt was Critics’ Day in heaven, when all celebrated biblical figures reflected on their life experiences on earth, and decided what would have been the best approach to performing their respective feats.

On the floor today was Moses’ parting of the Red Sea in order to escape the pursuing Egyptians.

First up was Noah, who said he would have would have used divine foresight to construct an ark in advance, and conveyed the Israelites across.

Peter objected to this, claiming Noah’s method was too technical, stating that he would have simply helped the Israelites walk on the water across the sea.

Elijah objected, calling Peter’s method unreliable. He then proposed calling fire down from heaven to consume the Red Sea.

Solomon pointed out that this did not solve the problem of the Egyptians.

Elijah looked at them incredulously, before saying what appeared to him as obvious: he would call fire down on the Egyptians too.

Daniel remarked that Elijah’s method wasn’t cost-effective. He, and a now furious Elijah, then plunged into a heated argument.

Finally, Balaam stood up, and proposed placing his donkey in front of all the advancing Egyptians.

They all stared at him in awe.

Seeing Eye Dog
A blind man was out walking with his seeing-eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man's leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog's head.

Having watched what happened, a bystander said, "Why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!"

"I know," said the blind man, "but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt."

Pretty EveAdam was talking to God one day, and asked, "why did you make Eve so pretty?"

God replied, "So you would love her".

Adam then asked, "why did you make her such a good cook?".

God replied, "So that you would love her".

Adam asked, "Why does she have such a heavenly smile?".

God said "So you would love her".

Finally, Adam asked "Why did you make her so dumb?"

God replied, "So that she would love you!".

Lonely AdamOne day God was talking to Adam and he said "Adam you look lonely, I know I'll give you a woman but it will cost you an arm and a leg."

Adam said " what can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history.

Church BullentinI write the church bulletin each week. Last week on complete accident instead of putting in "Pastor Vill will be giving this weeks exciting messages" I wrote: "This week Pastor Vill will be giving this weeks exciting massages."

Another time I was suppose to write "Forgiveness can send you to hell" and I accidentally wrote: "Forgiveness will send you to hell."

Needless to say my work is checked before the bulletins are printed and passed out now in church.

~Linda

Funny NunA nun was sitting at the airport waiting for her flight to
Chicago. She looked over & saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune.

Deciding to give it a try, she went to the machine, stepped
on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card saying, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 Lbs and you're going to Chicago".

The nun sat back down & told herself the machine probably
gives the same reading to Everyone. The more she thought about it, the more curious she was, so she decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and put another nickel in. Out came a card, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago and you're going to play a fiddle.

The nun said to herself, I know this is wrong. I've never
played a musical instrument In my life. She went back to her seat. Then, a cowboy came and sat down, putting
his fiddle on the seat between them.

Without thinking, she opened the case, took out the fiddle and started playing. Surprised at what she'd done, she looked at the machine and decided to try again.

She went back and put in another nickel. The card said "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago & you're going to break wind."

Now, she knew the machine was wrong. She'd never broken wind in public in her life. But getting off the scale, she slipped and straining to keep from falling, she broke wind.

Stunned, she sat down and looked at the machine, thinking I have to try this again. She went back to the machine and dropped in another nickel.

Another Card came out. It read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you've fiddled & farted around & missed
your flight to Chicago.

Way To HeavenThe Rev. Billy Graham tells of a time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was.

When the boy told him, Rev. Graham thanked him and said, “If you’ll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven.”

“I don’t think I’ll be there,” the boy said. “You don’t even know your way to the post office.”

Healing HearingA healing Pastor came to a church. There was a long line to see him. It was a little boys turn in line and he said it was his hearing.

So, the healing Pastor grabbed his ears and said a prayer.

The Pastor let go and asked, "hows your hearing now''.

"I don't know.. it's not till Friday," replied the boy.

Honor Thy
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Sermon PreperationA boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.

"How do you know what to say?" he asked.

"Why, God tells me," the father answered.

The boy replied, "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

Where is my Paper?
For all of us who are---seniors---
for all of you who know seniors---
and for all of you who will be seniors.

It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are a senior!

'Where Is My Paper?'

The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

'Ma'am, said the employee, today is Saturday.The Sunday paper is not delivered 'til Sunday.'

There was quite a pause on the other end
of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.

'So that's why no one was in church today.'