Church Sign - Love Them!

<> <> <>

Church Sign Saying
If you're to busy to read the Bible you're to busy.
Fight Truth Decay...Study The Bible Daily
Hungry? Soul food served here!
A Bible falling apart belongs to someone who isn't!
B-basic I-information B-before L-leaving E-earth
The more you read the Bible the more you'll love it's author.
So you think it's hot now
Come to Church B-Bring Y-Your O-Own B-Bible
God wrote only one book, don't you think you should read it?
A Bible that is falling apart, usually reveals a life that isn't
If you're searching for nuggets of truth the Bible's a gold mine.
The Bible has the longest publishing run of any Book.
Are you searching for the truth? Read the BIBLE!
If you are lost come inside we have the map to get you home!
Dusty Bibles Lead To Dirty Lives
B- Beautiful I- Informative B- Book L- Living E- Eternal
The Bible is most helpful when open.
The Bible is God's prescription for the health of your soul.
Fight truth decay. Brush up in the Faithbook!
We have a new church growth plan? It is called The Bible
The Bible's treasures can only be found by those who dig for them.
YOU are the only Bible some people may ever read.
1,189 Chapters! - The Bible.
Brush up on your bible: It prevents Truth decay.
BIBLE : Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth
Read the Bible, It was written just for you!
The Bible will tell you what's wrong before you've done it.
Store the Bible in your heart not on a shelf
Come huddle with us before the big game
Unlike a text book, your Bible should never be stiff when you open it.
Read the Bible as if God were speaking to you, He is!
The Bible is the right tool for life.
The Bible is our compass.
Spend less time on Facebook, and more time with His Book
Don't know God? Read the Bible.
The Bible: More up-to-date than tomorrow’s newspaper
Need To Read A Good Book? Come On In. We Use The Worlds Best Seller!!
You can trust the Bible, God always keeps His word.
Read your Bible It's user friendly plus we offer Tech Support on Sunday Morning
The more you read the Bible the more you'll love it's author.
If you only sample the Bible you never acquire a taste for it.
Look to the word to fill your needs instead of the world.
Jesus is making a list....he's checking it twice. Is your name written in the Lamb's Book of Life?
God sent us the gift of His Son wrapped in swaddling clothes.
Christ traded the comfort of the Manger for the cruelty of the Cross
A bad attitude spoils the gift
He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree
A hug: The ideal gift. One size fits all!
God gave you a present for Christmas. And its not a sack of coal.
wrap yourself up and give it to God.
Christmas Preparation Headquarters!
God's season is open 24-7
Merry mas; Merry X-mas: How would you feel if everyone forgot your birthday? Merry Christmas!!
Live Within Your Harvest
Don't leave Christ out of your Christmas
If you want your Christmas presents to be perfect, seek the presence of God.
The greatest gift that can ever be given is the gift of salvation
Feel the Christmas Spirit all year long: Become a Christian!
Bless us Lord, this Christmas, with quietness of mind; Teach us to be patient and always to be kind
Congratulations On The Birth of the Son, Mary and Joseph!
The most important part of Christmas.......is the first 6 letters!
Mary wrapped the first Christmas present
The devil's trick is no treat
Come in and pray today... Beat the Christmas rush!
Visitors Welcome. Members Expected.
Stop in for your free Christmas gift! Jesus!
Mary wrapped the first Christmas present for you... isn't it time you accepted it?
Now open between Easter and Christmas!
How Would You Feel if We Celebrated Your Birthday Without You?
A closed mouth gathers no foot
Who followed Jesus at His birth? Wise men.
Come on over to my house this Christmas and bring the kids! Love, God
A man wrapped up in himself makes for a small package
Wise Men Still Seek Him
Merry Mas! It's just not the same without CHRIST huh?
A goose never voted for an early Christmas
Your best yuletide gift is a smile
You can't even say Christmas without Christ.
A ship in harbor is safe - but that is not what ships are for.
Every one of us has in him a continent of undiscovered character. Blessed is he who acts the Columbus to his own soul.
Mistakes are the portals of discovery.
Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.
Whose indomitable spirit changed the face of the earth for us.
If Columbus had an advisory committee he would probably still be at the dock.
He completed the universe, he achieved the physical unity of the globe.
He gave the world another world.
Columbus found a world, and had no chart, Save one that faith deciphered in the skies.
I've never seen a hearse with a luggage rack.
Five minutes after you die you'll know how you should have lived.
Exposure to the Son, will prevent you from burning later
Five minutes after you die you'll know how you should have lived.
You don’t have to be brain-dead to live for Jesus, but when you are, you’ll be glad you did
Death: the end of excuses, the beginning of eternity
There will be no Atheists in Hell
A fire is HOT. The Sun is HOTTER. Hell will be the HOTTEST
Don't Wait For 6 Strong Men to Carry you to Church
Better to face the truth now, than after death
No two Christians will ever meet for the last time.
You think life is full of surprises? Wait till you die!
There are only two masters - Who do you serve?

We also deal with fire and rescue!

There will be no Atheists in Hell

It's not too late. Jesus is waiting.

It's not too late. Jesus is waiting.

Don't Wait For 6 Strong Men to Carry you to Church

You don’t have to be brain-dead to live for Jesus, but when you are, you’ll be glad you did

When your time has come you will know of every missed opportunity. Do you really want to gamble heaven and hell?

Better to face the truth now, than after death

Go to church, don't wait for the hearse to take you

Jesus is the key to Eternal life

Death: the end of excuses, the beginning of eternity

Exposure to the Son, will prevent you from burning later

What will he say to you - Enter my kingdom" or "Depart from me"?"

You think life is full of surprises? Wait till you die!

He Lives ! Jesus Lives today.

Christians celebrate Easter every Sunday!

Come in today and beat the Easter crowd

How does the Easter Bunny say Happy Easter? Hoppy Easter.

Easter is the demonstration of God that life is essentially spiritual and timeless.

Easter shouldn't be the only Sunday you rise to go to Church.

3 Nails 1 Cross 4 Given

The Easter Bunny didn't rise from the dead.

Hot Cross Bun Love, the Risen Son

He came back from the dead! Meet Him this Sunday at 9:30!

The empty tomb proves Christianity. The empty church denies it

Easter spells out beauty, the rare beauty of new life.

He is Risen! Not politically, but historically correct!

Jesus is Alive! That is the real reason for Hope and Change!

The story of Easter is the story of God's wonderful window of divine surprise.

Every Bunny is loved by Jesus

Easter is more than something to dye for

Where man sees but withered leaves, God sees sweet flowers growing.

Our sins put Him on the Cross, but Love kept Him there!

From death he did rise and will come again.

Now open between Easter and Christmas!

Sonrise, a gift from God.

Beat the Easter Rush Come to Church this Sunday

Jesus paid the price. You get to keep the change

The key to heaven was hung on a nail.

Easter Aftermath - You can't keep a good man down!

LENT: Spring Training for Christians EASTER: OPENING DAY

No bunny loves you like Jesus!

In His death we walk in new life.

Spring is in the air - God is everywhere!

Without Good Friday, Easter would be impossible.

What on earth are you doing for Heavens sake

No problem is too great, to place in God’s hands.

To join God's plan, take Jesus by the hand.

Lost? Try GPS God's Plan for Salvation

God is more willing to forgive than we are to ask!

Need a lifeguard? Ours walks on water!

Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.

Building Hope In Jesus' Name.

Jesus, you bring out the blest in me.

Christians are a lot like camels. They both remove their burdens, down on their knees

Take the test or miss the best

Fear knocks at the door, faith answers - no one is there!

Faith makes things possible, not easy.

Lessons are in life answers are in church

Do All You Can and Trust God To Do What You Cannot

No one stands as tall as a Christian on his knees

I asked Jesus how much he loved me, He stretched out His arms, and said This Much" Then He Died!"

Seek, Pray, Love

Faithfulness is allowing God to make your life easier

Where reason cannot wade there faith may swim.

Faith is like being blind-folded, taking God's hand, and trusting Him to lead you.

Worry depletes your strength. Pray in faith.

There is no trust where faith has not been tested

Always trust Master

Sin is all the same in gods eyes. Find forgivness and deliverance here.

Faith is the postage stamp on our prayers.

The Proof is in the Putting. Putting Your Trust in God.

Peace is not the absence of trouble, it is the prescence of God.

The will of God will not take you to where the grace of God will not protect you.

Lost? Free Direction inside.

Faith and Belief, words to live by.

Unbelief destroys; faith builds.

Faith is Not Blind, Faith is Sight Set On God.

We have experienced and now we share God's Grace. You are welcome here

When you're at the edge of reason, take a leap of faith!

Keep the faith, but share with others!

Righteousness is where faith meets the road.

Faith is taking God at His Word.

Christians, keep the faith... But not from others!

FAITH BOOK: God has sent you a friend request!

Righteousness is where faith comes against adversity.

Extreme Make over: Need a faith lift?

God's season is open 24-7

Is it time to fall back to church?

Stop searching, Drop all doubt, & Roll with the Lord

Living without Gods spirit is like trying to dribble a football.

The devil's trick is no treat.

Live Within Your Harvest

Live within your harvest, reap what you sow.

Autumn leaves - Jesus doesn't.

Blessed indeed is the man who hears many gentle voices call him Father!

I don't care how poor a man is; if he has family, he's rich.

Father! - to God himself we cannot give a holier name.

On fathers day we honour our earthly fathers. We worship our Heavenly Father every day!

He didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.

Church Signs

 

Ahahjokes.com

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aardvark!
Aardvark who?
Aardvark a hundred miles for one of your smiles!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aaron!
Aaron who!
Aaron on the side of caution!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Abbott!
Abbott who?
Abbott time you answered the door!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Abe!
Abe who?
Abe C D E F G H...!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Abyssinia!
Abyssinia who?
Abyssinia behind bars one of these days!

Clean Knock Knock Jokes

Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Hatch.

Hatch who?

Cover your mouth when you sneeze!

Knock Knock

Whos There?

Yea Old

Yea Old Who?

Yea Old Vitimans
(Year Old Vitimans)

Knock Knock?

Who's There?

Cowp!

Cowp who.
(Cow Poo)
KNOCK KNOCK

WHO'S THERE

CARGOES

CARGOES WHO?

CARGOES BEEP BEEP !

knock knock

Whos there?

Dwane

Dwane who?

Dwane the tub I'm drownding!!!!!!

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Dishes.

Dishes who?

Dishes the police, come out with your hands up!!

Clean Christian Jokes

Louie Selling BiblesA pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!", the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand.
"You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the
Church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman.. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?. Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister! agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied,
"W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ------o-o-o-or-------- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"

Critics Day In HeavenIt was Critics’ Day in heaven, when all celebrated biblical figures reflected on their life experiences on earth, and decided what would have been the best approach to performing their respective feats.

On the floor today was Moses’ parting of the Red Sea in order to escape the pursuing Egyptians.

First up was Noah, who said he would have would have used divine foresight to construct an ark in advance, and conveyed the Israelites across.

Peter objected to this, claiming Noah’s method was too technical, stating that he would have simply helped the Israelites walk on the water across the sea.

Elijah objected, calling Peter’s method unreliable. He then proposed calling fire down from heaven to consume the Red Sea.

Solomon pointed out that this did not solve the problem of the Egyptians.

Elijah looked at them incredulously, before saying what appeared to him as obvious: he would call fire down on the Egyptians too.

Daniel remarked that Elijah’s method wasn’t cost-effective. He, and a now furious Elijah, then plunged into a heated argument.

Finally, Balaam stood up, and proposed placing his donkey in front of all the advancing Egyptians.

They all stared at him in awe.

Seeing Eye Dog
A blind man was out walking with his seeing-eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man's leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog's head.

Having watched what happened, a bystander said, "Why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!"

"I know," said the blind man, "but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt."

Pretty EveAdam was talking to God one day, and asked, "why did you make Eve so pretty?"

God replied, "So you would love her".

Adam then asked, "why did you make her such a good cook?".

God replied, "So that you would love her".

Adam asked, "Why does she have such a heavenly smile?".

God said "So you would love her".

Finally, Adam asked "Why did you make her so dumb?"

God replied, "So that she would love you!".

Lonely AdamOne day God was talking to Adam and he said "Adam you look lonely, I know I'll give you a woman but it will cost you an arm and a leg."

Adam said " what can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history.

Church BullentinI write the church bulletin each week. Last week on complete accident instead of putting in "Pastor Vill will be giving this weeks exciting messages" I wrote: "This week Pastor Vill will be giving this weeks exciting massages."

Another time I was suppose to write "Forgiveness can send you to hell" and I accidentally wrote: "Forgiveness will send you to hell."

Needless to say my work is checked before the bulletins are printed and passed out now in church.

~Linda

Funny NunA nun was sitting at the airport waiting for her flight to
Chicago. She looked over & saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune.

Deciding to give it a try, she went to the machine, stepped
on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card saying, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 Lbs and you're going to Chicago".

The nun sat back down & told herself the machine probably
gives the same reading to Everyone. The more she thought about it, the more curious she was, so she decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and put another nickel in. Out came a card, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago and you're going to play a fiddle.

The nun said to herself, I know this is wrong. I've never
played a musical instrument In my life. She went back to her seat. Then, a cowboy came and sat down, putting
his fiddle on the seat between them.

Without thinking, she opened the case, took out the fiddle and started playing. Surprised at what she'd done, she looked at the machine and decided to try again.

She went back and put in another nickel. The card said "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago & you're going to break wind."

Now, she knew the machine was wrong. She'd never broken wind in public in her life. But getting off the scale, she slipped and straining to keep from falling, she broke wind.

Stunned, she sat down and looked at the machine, thinking I have to try this again. She went back to the machine and dropped in another nickel.

Another Card came out. It read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you've fiddled & farted around & missed
your flight to Chicago.

Way To HeavenThe Rev. Billy Graham tells of a time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was.

When the boy told him, Rev. Graham thanked him and said, “If you’ll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven.”

“I don’t think I’ll be there,” the boy said. “You don’t even know your way to the post office.”

Healing HearingA healing Pastor came to a church. There was a long line to see him. It was a little boys turn in line and he said it was his hearing.

So, the healing Pastor grabbed his ears and said a prayer.

The Pastor let go and asked, "hows your hearing now''.

"I don't know.. it's not till Friday," replied the boy.

Honor Thy
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Sermon PreperationA boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.

"How do you know what to say?" he asked.

"Why, God tells me," the father answered.

The boy replied, "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

Where is my Paper?
For all of us who are---seniors---
for all of you who know seniors---
and for all of you who will be seniors.

It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are a senior!

'Where Is My Paper?'

The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

'Ma'am, said the employee, today is Saturday.The Sunday paper is not delivered 'til Sunday.'

There was quite a pause on the other end
of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.

'So that's why no one was in church today.'

Funny Clean Jokes

Wrong EmailA Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

Kids - The Next GenerationWho said children are getting dumber every year. Check out the wisecracks below and judge for yourselves...

TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
CHARLOTTE: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
CHARLOTTE: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
CHARLOTTE: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!

TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today
that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

SYLVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.

TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I". ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.

TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!

Comfortable
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.'

Animal TracksThere was a blond, brunette, and a red head, and they all decided to go camping.

They needed food so the redhead walked out into the forest, and two hours later came back with a rabbit over her shoulder.

The other two girls asked her, "how did you catch that?"

She replied "See tracks, follow tracks, see rabbit, kill rabbit."

So they ate that for dinner.

The next day they needed food so the brunette walked out into the forest, and two hours later came back with a lion over her shoulder.

The other two girls asked her, "how did you catch that?"

She replied "see tracks, follow tracks, see lion, kill lion."

So they ate that for dinner.

The next day they needed food again so the blonde walked out into the forest, and two hours later came back limping all bruised, black & blue with torn clothes.

The other two girls asked her, "What happened to you?"

She replied "see tracks, follow tracks, see train, get hit by train."

OUCH!!!

Jesus Saves!

The Parking Spot

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:

"I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note.
"I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead Us Not Into Temptation."

The Dirty Words!